To a lost friend

Let me tell in vain to my soul that the grunge hoarded during the windstorms of time has not made a change in you… my words may be parched up and dry as the summer dreams in me, without blood and marrow – thoughts dappled as the broiling desert sands.

The flowers that bloomed in the first rain of amity had shed themselves seasons ago. The soothing words have turned to marshes where the footsteps slip off! As we behold, everything around us is evolving. Life itself is a continuous flow of gradual changes from one place to another, isn’t it?

Let us hope to walk through the narrow thorny pathways of hermitage and dip ourselves in the sacred water of salvation, before the clean streams of reminiscence gets dried off.

By averting our own memories as sin, by offending our desires as lust, by thawing enigma, how long can we consider ourselves canonized?

In the nights where the funeral pile of solitary dreams burn, this face will be deep inside me as a ray of remembrance---

But it is the darkness…

Silence…

Ignorance…

Blindness…

That made this golden friendship------------------

In this darkness which blinds the soul

My friend,

You may not recognize me,

For sure!!!

HOW CAN I BLAME YOU?

I Surrender

At last I’ve conceded to become a nameless face in the crowd. Am I a person with too many imperfections?

Today I’m forced to remove my so called banner “I’m just Natalia”. I wanted to protest – actually – I didn’t say “I’m Natalia”, I said “I’m just Natalia”- I said I’m nothing more.

But my protest ended up halfway in my throat – yes – I yield to this wish - irrevocably and absolutely I surrender.

But I’ve to say one thing and else I’ll never be alright. I’m not an egomaniac. And I’m doing all I can to become a better person.

Donno hw I’m assessed – hw I’m labelled – I’m either underestimated or over estimated – but still - I’m doing all I can to become a better person.

Just Natalia

I’m not a nameless face in the crowd

But not yet a celebrity…

I’m just Natalia.

For some I’m a sweet hearted person

Someone who cannot be missed

Yet some gets disturbed

By the mere thought of my name

Everyone sees in me the reflection of their very self.

I’m neither magnetic nor suave

My face is not my arena

My delicate vista does not convey I’m fearless

I don’t mind paths, I mind targets.

I’m not a daredevil,

I’m just Natalia.

I don’t write words, I paint them

My words are powerful

But they may not change the world

I’m not a poet,

I’m just Natalia.

Strolling back through the dark pages of history

I seek the mystery of deceit

In place of facts I see a bare stilted epic.

I’m not a pursuer,

I’m just Natalia.

I’ve discovered nothing, established nothing

Changed nothing

Just dreamt of everything to be flawless and perfect

Still loving the reflections of colors inside a kaleidoscope

I’m not a day dreamer,

I’m just Natalia.

Personating an avalanche I break the bonds,

Destroys and still surges…

Gets lost while walking back through my own verses…

When conquered,

I stay laughing on the relics of my wounded pride.

I’m not a philosopher,

I’m just Natalia.

Being Natalia is not everything, I know.

Natalia is an incomplete chapter,

A word alone in a dictionary…

A character in search of an author…

But I love being myself.

FORESIGHT

The ambiguity of APRIL reflects in me
I’ve set one foot in FAIRYTALE and the other in ABYSS
I feel like a FALLEN ANGEL
Life took me through days
In quest of TRUTH,
Of SELF REALIZATION
I seek the deception beyond HISTORY
I wish to fly before TIME
I fear my DREAMS may fly off through open doors
I see beyond my eyes
It seems strange,
But I spent the main part of my life
Fighting against LONELINESS
I’m searching for someone who can set me free
Someone who can make me feel like a GODESS
Am I a dictator or a slave?
Will my grail overflow with the ELIXIR OF LIFE…?
To cure the anguish of ages…

BUON NATALE - MERRY CHRISTMAS

Its Christmas time again.

Come to my mind Christmas Days of long ago.

As a child again I enter into the spirit of the Christmas stockings hanging, waiting for gifts.

Passes childhood, and I look down the nearer years.

There rise before me remembrances of days on storm-tossed seas, where waves beat upon my ship.

I recall again the bitter touch of winter over the plains of life.

I also remember the Christmas days ablaze with lights, verdant and fragrant with the evergreen pines, echoing with joyful carols and celestial harmonies.

My recollections are of contrasts like those of life- delight and melancholy, penury and relief.

And the pictures are full of faces, some of which may be seen no more.

I miss the clasp of vanished hands; I crave the sound of voices stilled.

As we grow older and older, there is a note of sadness in our laughter.

The recollection of each passing year brings deeper regret.

Circles are broken, families are separated, and loved ones are lost, but the old world sweeps on.

Others come to take our places.

Smaller hands than mine write letters to Santa Claus and hear the story of Christmas on winter nights.

But, still sparkles the Star in the East.

It pierces through the darkness of shrouding night!

When the clouds bend to kiss His hand, let us not lose our chance.

Let us make this a new birthday of kindness and love that shall endure.

That is the Christmas hope.

Let us give to it the gracious expression of life among men.

And still I feel bad that I haven't any gift to give Him except what I already gave Him -- my heart, my love, my life, and my forever gratitude.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

You and Me

This is a very special poem for me. For the first 4 lines I thank my dearest friend Susan Joseph.

You: Saw you this morning
With that look in your eyes…
I hate to see you looking,
Lost and lonely…

Me: My mind is grazing
Idly upon despair.
I fail to retrieve harmony
And my core seethed in pang.
Someone led me through
The silver fields of rapture
And flawed my love,
Upon the flowing rails one day…
Beneath the gray clouds,
I sat and wept forlornly.

You: A tear drop veils your face
From my vision.
Past then became a haze
That kept shadowing my mind.
And my wings are tied with
The strings of misfortune.
I long to free them,
And plunge into the pain in your eyes.
But I bear in my soul,
The burden of my history.

Me: My love was a flower
Which withered away.
But the odour remained
To bedamn the moments down.
No ray of hope
Ever struck my oriel.
Cuddling my pallid dreams
And silent ails,
I pass my days in exile
In the clink of decay.

You: Life took me through days
Where sun never rises.
I jaunted through
The garden of earthly delights.
Then beheld your footprints
In the sand behind me.
Failing to find them,
I savored the essence of
Repression and amnesty
And dozed off.

Me: The lunatic imprisoned in me
Rises in rebellion.
Following a laughter,
I burst into tears!
Dark sea is roaring
In front of my eyes.
Deep asleep in me is my vision
In the table of accessories,
I’m searching for
An instrument of painless death.

You: I’m burning in the thought
That you are alone…
Why cannot I be near?
Why cannot I do anything for you?
Will your eyes shower
The tears of clemency?
Will your credence
Return to me forever?
With prayer on my lips
I await your riposte.

Me: I’ll come sailing
The vicious sea of time
Passing the tower of relics
Covering light years.
With tattered dreams in my soul
And ravaged vision in my eyes.
Will your arms shroud me,
Within the warm ramparts of compassion?
Will you offer me the love,
I long for eternities?

You: Wait beneath the rainbow
I swear you my love!
Let the gleam of my eyes
Be your salve.
Let it be with you,
In all your solitude.
As the gloom of fall
Crimsons your cheeks,
To give wings to your dreams
I’ll come.

2 Colleges and Myself

Dark clouds were up in the sky when I bid farewell to the college. That college, the one which got used to my footsteps as I passed by for the last two years. Yes, it won’t have to hear my taps again. I know I was not faithful to it. Never thought of loving it. Never held it dear. Never found it special although I was possessed by the one I studied earlier.

My mind was full of questions when I entered it first and the questions still remain. “What have I gained from this college?” I think. Still no answer…A post graduate degree, is that all? No, it taught me never to get broken when you are desolated. That no friend is ever reliable. That no enemy is ever perilous. That no truth is ever final.

Yes, it pains when you invest all your hopes and dedication and gains frowns as the interest. It pains to hear the unpredictable words from allies. It pains when you are misjudged. It pains when your honest voice ends up as a wail of hyena in the dark depths of life. Yes, still it pains…

My Bishop Moore as I told earlier possessed me. It still makes tears come to my eyes. I feel again like the child just entering the new world breaking the pupal shell of prejudices. I still stand on its courtyard with eyes filled with wonder. The hopes I cherished when I first entered it to the anguish I pampered when I left it.

Never felt that its so great a place to study when I studied there. But when I behold now, behold to the past, I know my love for Bishop Moore. Although there are sore events to be remembered the contentment that my college offered is unaccountable. The plans made overnight for the coming day. A new celebration each day. Escapades to library. Mischiefs at hostel. Celebration, celebration and more celebration.

I’ve always felt that my college is a living thing. It has emotions and language of its own and I’ve always understood what it conveyed. As Chetan Bhagat said in Five Point Someone “Although I've graduated and passed out my mind is still there”, its still at my dear dearest Bishop Moore.